Well, maybe not... but it's up there.
This morning I woke up at around 3AM because my head was pounding and my nose was running like crazy. I sat in the bathroom and blew my nose for the next 4 hours (I kid you not), crying and constantly going back to bed to try to sleep before everything horrible starts again. I'm so hopelessly sick, it's not even funny. After those 4 hours, 3 glasses of water, 1 Claritin, 2 Tylenols, a bazillion tissues and 1 bowl of ramen I finally konked out for a good... hour, before having to wake up and drive to school for my geography final.
So... yes.
I'm gonna go lie down for a very, very long time.
The concept of graphic design is really starting to grow on me. I decided to take Heidi's advice and try my best not to plan out the whole future, hahaha. It really is a lot harder than it sounds. The idea of finally taking art classes makes my heart happy and my face smile.
Concerning art, I'm back into fanart-dom. I haven't done fanart of anything since... Invader Zim, and that was 8th-9th grade. I'm drawing a bunch of Avatar: The Last Airbender fanart, and it's a lot of fun. I forgot how fun it is XD I'll probably put some up here later... they will be watermarked. They are also on my dA site (unmarked, because it's under copyright anyway), and if you want my page URL just ask me for it.
Other'n that, I'm also discovering the joys of pencil-coloring... again. Now that I know how to utilize its beautiful skills to crank out ideas I want, it's fun XD After doing a little bit of research on color, I feel like I've gotten slightly better at it. Oh, and digital art too. Man, I'm so arty lately! And for that I'm glad.
Unfortunately, not all aspects of my creative life are going so well. The story Brent and I are collaborating on is lagging a little bit... I wrote so much of my part that I'm afraid we'll lose track of what we once had. It's so difficult now... writing the first part was so easy because we had no plan, and just let things flow. But now we need a plot, and we need someplace to go, and no matter how much he reassures me of its progress, I'm just not seeing it. I have vague and slight ideas of my own, but those could very well die quickly. We're at the point in our story where there needs to be acceleration.. I'm so afraid this'll get out of balance. I'm so afraid this project will die. If there's anything Brent and I are notorious for, it's unfinished projects. I'm not even joking. It makes me sad.
Maybe it's a phase, y'know. Of story-authoring. I'm sure Heidi could attest to that :P
But hey, that's just one little glitch. On the whole, I'm movin' on up.
It scares the hell outta me,
And the end is all I can see
Scares the hell outta me,
The end is all I can see,
Yea yeaaa...
Sigh.
As of late I haven't had the foggiest clue what I'm going to major in. I know, I'm only a freshman in her first semester, but I really *really* wanted to get this in before I have to start making up lower div. classes in senior year or something like that. After I found out that industrial design at my school doesn't offer an accredited degree, my focus went haywire. What'm I gonna do, what'm I gonna major in? What do I want outta life, what's gonna happen to me?
Instantly I looked toward the rest of the engineering field. Why I didn't open myself up to any other option didn't come clear to me until tonight, when I let all the thoughts that've been brewing in my head out. At first I thought I was some kind of freak because I thought and figured things like this out so damn quickly, but really, these thoughts have been cookin' for a long time, and now they're fresh out the oven. Metaphors rock. Moment killed.
Anyway, the reason why I wasn't looking to anything else was... well... the truth is, I've been basing all my major-focus decisions on whether or not the degree will get me a good position in the Peace Corps. A booklet I got from a PC volunteer listed a bunch of things you can do, like help a poor village farm better or teach children things and whatnot... and it listed degrees you need for it. I know, it sounds dumb... it wasn't even all the info, but I started working toward that. Soon enough, that train of thought started to bleed into my career decision. I wanted a career that will enable me to directly benefit the greater good of the people. New technologies, building new houses, helping the environment-- oh God, I've been so big on the environment nowadays-- something to help them. I thought business or politics would make me greedy, and I wouldn't be helping anything but our piggy consumer economy. What good is that, perpetuating the greedy wealth of our nation, huh? That's what I thought. I didn't want to go into medical coz I'm squeamish. Hehehe eeeyyyeeaaaa.
And finally, graphic design. Such a nice, open window of opportunity for me. I love drawing, and if you ask anybody who remotely knows who I am will tell you that much. In my mind I toyed around with the idea-- how fun would it be to take classes on figure drawing, on logo designing, on using Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator so well that I can be the most badass artist around? It's awesome. But again, I pushed it away because-- I'm not helping anybody. Sure, I draw a few pictures. What does that help?
Those were my thoughts. Basically, I wanted to help directly. I wanted to actually be out there, interacting and helping those in poverty, those who need help. In my mind, I can't stand the fact that I'm here enjoying the luxuries of my life when somebody out there is risking his or her life just to get a scrap of food for the family. I was born lucky... some people are just lucky to be alive. I don't know why, but that translates to guilt in my deeply saddened heart. I'm not saying this to leave a good impression on anybody, these are my true thoughts, and believe me when I say they plague me all the time. I thought I should help those in need, and I should, I really should. I'm lucky, they're not, so why not sacrifice a bit of myself for those who need it more, right?
I wanted to be out there helping them directly,
and I never gave a second thought to what I'm gonna do as a career. I never thought about how I'll actually support myself in the long run, and that's not good.
My mom and dad brought that up in our talk together earlier... they said I can't stay in the Peace Corps all my life, I need to support myself. They also brought up that I can help the needy in many, many ways... that I don't have to be the one getting my hands dirty all the time. With a business degree I can still help developing countries make their businesses work; as a graphic designer I can influence people to help via the media. I could do all that, but I shunned it still!
And here's why:
I didn't trust people and their organizations.
If I just provided my money, how do I know it's really going to something useful? If I'm there and working it with my own bare hands, I know what I'm doing and I know how these people feel about my service to them. I know it's helping.
I was also so upset and enraged by the corruption that abounds in our advanced society that I didn't want to deal with it... it's like I thought that going away to volunteer in a developing or third-world country would take me away from that corruption, and that all I had to deal with were very basic needs. The more advanced and complex a society is, the more advanced and complex its problems become. All the advanced and complex problems are those of ethics and morality. Oddly enough, if all you had to worry about were fulfilling your basic needs, you don't give much thought to ethics and morality... so much that it becomes natural and inherent! Isn't that funny, people? Isn't it funny how it works... it's almost as thought we trade one for the other.
ALSO, I have this strange thought that this need somehow links up to my life-long fantasy of being a hero. I'm not kidding. By helping these people... I'd be such a great hero. But I'm not in it for the glory or anything... if I happened to be praised for my services and dedication, then so be it. Remember how I have a lucky life, while some are just lucky to be alive? Just knowing that I used up a piece of my lucky life to make somebody else's luckier would satisfy me, it really, truly would. Does it sound like pride? Maybe, I don't know. Be that as it may, the point is I wanted to directly help people and be the hero that saves the day.
If you've read this far, I'd like to thank you. It brings me joy that you read my stuff.
Of course, I cannot experience this joy if I don't know you read it,
and I won't know if you read it if you don't comment.
So yes, send over some thoughts. They will be much appreciated.
Anyway!
Also if you read this far, you might be thinking... wow, this chick has some twisted sense of reality.
Not everybody in developed societies is corrupted, you can help people indirectly and it'd still work, and you can't be a hero. I know, I know all this now because I talked through it. I'm gonna get better.
I'm starting to look toward graphics design again... as much as I fought it when other people said, "you'd be sooo good at it," I couldn't help but smile everytime I hear that.
I'm still going to keep my options open though.
Oy, my head hurts so much from all this...
I'm gonna get better. There's nowhere to go but up.
Thanks to Lex's blog, I now know that
MUSE ARE RETURNING TO NORTH AMERICA FOR ANOTHER TOUR
THISCOMING MARCH!!!
I could cry, I'm so happy!
Eat your heart out, Ides of March!
And you know what else?
...The season premiere of AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER
also commences in March.
I'm going to have a spaz attack, I swear!
What is your favorite board game?
Submitted by I'm Unique.
BEYOND BALDERDASH!!
Oh my goodness... it's so much fun.
It's where you roll a dice and the numbers determine the topic from which you have to answer a question. The topics are Dates, People, Places, Words, Movies and Initials, I think.
For Dates, you have to write down an answer for what happened on that date.
People: guess what they did
Places: What happened at that particular place
Words: What that word means
Movies: Guess what the movie's about
Initials: What a certain acronyms/initials stand for
You write your answer on a slip of paper. Everybody's answer is put in a pile and the leader, "the Dasher" writes down the real answer indicated on the back of the card on which the topic is written. All the answers are mixed up, and the Dasher reads them all off. The players take turns guessing which one is the right answer, aka, the one the Dasher put down. If your paper gets picked, you get points. If you pick the right one, you get points. If you pick the wrong one, you... don't get points. Either way, you have to create some reeeally convincing answers to get points, coz this game is CUH-RAZY! I love it, it's so much fun!
Like for example, the Initial is CIA.
Somebody puts down Cats In Action,
another puts down Cranky Indian Association,
another player writes Coke Inhalers Annonymous,
and the Dasher mixes those up with the real answer, Central Intelligence Agency.
The guy who put "Cats In Action" isn't going to move up in the game because it sounds just plain stupid, y'know? And if the guy who put "Cranky Indian Association" starts giggling when the Dasher reads off that answer, nobody's gonna vote for his because he totallly gave himself away.
It's like creativity, bluffing, poker-face-ing and face-reading all in one! Hurrah!
For more information, and probably some better than mine, go to http://www.epinions.com/content_105727889028.
ALSO
I love the game Cranium, possibly as much as Beyond Balderdash--- maybe more.
It's an awesome game also involving topics, but it's different. The topics tell your team (yes, it's in teams!) to do different things, like solve a puzzle, play pictionary blind, or act out a scene. There's also a special round where all the teams do the same thing and whoever gets it right first wins. It's like pictionary, taboo, charades, and pure craziness all rolled into one. Oh yea, it's got a timer, too. YEAYUH!
Aaand for better info on THAT, go here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cranium_(board_game)
Huzzah!
to me ^_^
Happy World AIDS Day
to everybody ^_^
Happy SEASON 2 FINALE OF AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER
to all you Avatards ^_^
I really, really am trying, but it's hard.
My old marching band got back from their championship competition this past weekend and my good friend took a load of pictures, because that's what she does. As soon as she uploaded them I started clicking through them, and the strangest feeling came over me... it was something like sadness, but not so. Like a small sort of homesickness, but not so...
I missed them.
She always brought her camera to our band trips, whether it was jazz gigs, concerts or competitions... she always took pictures of us, and I remember laughing and being a part of that. Being a part of the picture-- a part of the memory. At the moment it was all just good fun and games and messing around with poses, but now I realize what great friends I developed over the last year of high school.
And now I realize how much I really miss that.
Yes, most of my best friends are still in high school.
These thoughts led to how much I wish I was living away from home...
Staying here feels weird at some times. Not so much anymore than it was the first few months of school, though. Commuting is weird, taking 3 months to meet new friends is weird, seeing your old friends often and not spending time with them is weird. My expectations of a college experience were so high that I let myself fall hard with the adjustments I've had to make to accomodate my actual situation. I'm trying not to be pathetic, but in my head, it's hard. I don't show it, but it's there in my thoughts.
Nowadays I see echoes of high school life through my sister, who now enjoys the company of my old friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely happy she likes them because they're all good people-- I just remember what it was like.
I'm glad I have a few friends in college now... I need to get out more with them, maybe catch a basketball game or something. Commuting is hard because you can't spend a lot of time with those friends... because coming home at night sucks, especially on the 405. Yuck. And then I spend most of my time at home, taking my sister to band events and school and such, where I see echoes of my not-long-passed high school life. It's like sitting right there on the fence, like I haven't totally crossed over yet. I compare myself to my peers who are in different cities and even different states, and I look through the screen at their lives full of parties, new friends, new good times. And when they come home, all their family and old friends will hold them so dearly, because they missed them. I'm still on the fence. Nobody terribly misses me when I come home because I am home, they still see me, there's no big deal. I'm sitting right there on the fence, I am a ghost to both worlds. Maybe I'm afraid my existence is becoming taken for granted.
I'll admit, this entire entry is a little bit sad, pathetic, and whiney, but I wanted to get these things out. Nobody sees this blog anyway. We all go through these kinds of things, and maybe this feeling is only for tonight. Only in these wee hours. These back-of-the-brain thoughts only come up around then, and they disappear with the Sun...
Bond.
James Bond.
This weekend I watched the new James Bond movie, Casino Royale, starring "the new Bond," Daniel Craig.
It really, really is an excellent movie! Wow, two thumbs up from me.
There are so many things in that movie that, for me, make it stand out and memorable.
Mads Mikkelson is an excellent villain, btw. Kinda reminds me of Cillian Murphy.
Anyway, there's been much controversy about Craig vs Brosnan, and so many friends of mine have expressed the view that "but Brosnan is THE James Bond character! aodijfmnoif"
I'm here to say... yea, I know. That's exactly how I felt prior to watching the film. People around my age (myself included) have grown up with Pierce Brosnan portraying Bond as an extremely suave, smooth, and clean double-oh agent. Daniel Craig still retains that signature Bond quality-- suave and charming-- but he's more rugged, arrogant and egoistic. After all, it is set in Bond's early career as a double-oh agent, when he has much time to become the smooth agent we've all come to love with Brosnan.
But hey, that's just me.
I encourage everybody to keep an open mind about these kinds of things, okay?
I also encourage Bond fans and non-Bond fans alike to see this movie, because it's got great plot, action, flow and oh! just everything. I love it.
So I'm sitting here in the Horn Center at CSULB, Computer 191, brow furrowed in concentration.
I'm alt-tabbing browsers, between Muse's music video to "Knights of Cydonia" and various spaghetti Westerns and sci-fi films (thank you, YouTube).
Muse is holding a contest for fans-- the first 1000 people to correctly guess the 15 movie references in their KoC video wins a poster. I have never participated in something like this, but I thought I'd give it a shot... I got 8 correct! 8!! 8 out of 15... that's over half... so close, yet so far away! My brain is fried from thinking so much, and this is all BEFORE class starts. Oyyy.
By the way, I'm not telling you the 8 that I got right. :P
I love all the little contests they hold.
Oh, you know what else I really dig?
Panic! at the Disco once held a free concert in New York. The only catch was, to view the concert, patrons must sign up for 4 hours of community service. Isn't that just the sweetest thang?
What song best describes your current mood?
Submitted by Section31.
No surprise-- a Muse song.
"Unintended",
not because I feel the way the lyrics describe, but I feel the way the song sounds-- calm, at peace, and a little bit moan-y. :P
I often like my music in that sense. Lyrics aren't my number-one thing to look for in favorite music, the actual composition is. Yea, I guess being in band does that to ya.
Here are the lyrics anyway.. it's sweet.
Unintended
Muse
You could be my unintended choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love.
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love.
I'll be there as soon as I can,
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before.
First there was the one who challenged all my dreams
and all my balance
She could never be as good as you.
You could be my unintended choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love.
I'll be there as soon as I can,
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before...
I'll be there as soon as I can,
But I'm busy mending broken
Pieces of the life I had before...
Before you.
